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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over