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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.