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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?