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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
How Big is Infinity?