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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.