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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.