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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Do angry people know about naps?