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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.