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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.