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Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?