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Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.