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Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".. O_o
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.