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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
is in no shape to exercise
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"