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I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.