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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."