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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?