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Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
Life`s short ... Drink fast
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.