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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.