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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.