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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.