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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.