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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm