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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!