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My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted