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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.