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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
So they say that having to much sex can cause memory loss, which is just a little something I seem to remember reading in a Rolling Stone magazine once on page 64 paragraphs 3 through 5 while sitting on a park bench October 14th 2002 at 3:46 p.m
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up