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never be afraid to wipe twice
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.