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There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
never tell a lie...unless it is true
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"