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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
There is no time to check time
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)