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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."