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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.