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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.