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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.