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Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.