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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.