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Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.