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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??