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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?