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I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.