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Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
Iām always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.