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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
Congratulations! You’ve just read this sentence.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.