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I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.