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I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.