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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
So,do people in England speaks American now that people in America speaks English?
Soup of the day: Beer
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
My house has really let itself go.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!