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Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook