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There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"