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Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"