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have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
Ride me like you stole me.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house