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Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.