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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, Iām not falling for that.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever Iām making important life decisions.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
I know u r but what am I ?
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.