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I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
drink beer ?? save water
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!