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When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
"With a stroke of a pen your name can live on forever in a quote!... Unknown,
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!