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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.