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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.