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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?