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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.