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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
i only drink on days that end with y
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.