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And then her mood ring just...exploded
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.