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To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
I need new swear words.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.