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I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.