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The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.