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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?