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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
i feel naked without my mobile !
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.