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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?