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why do wise people never make wisecracks?
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.