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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches