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"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now Iām legally required to pee sitting down.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.