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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.