Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?