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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.