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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
is ready to have one too many!