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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.