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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.