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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
Christmas time always make me blue :-(( and then red, then green, then oh wow.. presents...
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.