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I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.