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Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
is in no shape to exercise
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.