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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.