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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
Got tasered at speed dating again.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...