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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.