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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day