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I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
I should come with a warning label.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.