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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
"Love your friends, Not their sisters." & "Love your sisters, Not their friends." -By Mummy...
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?