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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."