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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Real friends show me their boobs
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".