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Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.