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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.