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Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.