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Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.