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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
only fights if pillows are present.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
I may be asking too much of this coffee.