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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I tried my best to see things from your point a view, but your point of view is stupid.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
So... Where does one obtain minions?
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.