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Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.