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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.