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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
I just ran a .003048K
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?