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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.