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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!