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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.