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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.