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Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.