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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
Have you hugged you bartender today.
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.