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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
Being alive is so expensive.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.