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So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?