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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
I never thought Iād be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?