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My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”