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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes