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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
“I saw that.” -Karma
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is