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I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.