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So if one was to type ‘idiot’ into Google, would your picture come up?
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.