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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
I drink to make other people interesting
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Not one back to school special on beer. What kind of world do we live in.
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