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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
In space they just call it "Jam"
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.