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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is