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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.