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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes