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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.