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ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"