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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."