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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?