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In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.