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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.