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"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.