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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Vodka is just amazing water.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone