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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.