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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.