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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.