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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
This post is just for you.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch