Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."