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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Survival rule #1: You go first.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
How Big is Infinity?
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.