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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
I’m tired of things costing money.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
I think I may be getting harder to love.