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Before the internet I used to like people.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.