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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.