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Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.