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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.