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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.